I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
You Might Also Like
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
got so much cardio in today
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
58.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!