would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.