“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”