how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.