[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Godspeed, John Glenn
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man