Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
FRED: right
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
This kid is a star!
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”