[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?