My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”