Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”