Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.