coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.