I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!