My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Never go to sleep after making me angry
one last job
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.