Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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Barbie gone wild
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.