What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]