Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
😆this is so true
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes