*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”