Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work