John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it