HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
You Might Also Like
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
🙋♀️
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading