Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
You’re the water to my grease fire.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”