son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.