Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on