I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
not for long
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*