It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
classic mixup
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.