When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Did I do this right
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.