Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep