“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Chicken bread
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…