Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance