“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Actually cracking up @ this
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.