cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Lmbo
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Life is a suicide mission.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.