dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Risking my life for fun.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.