I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.