I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…