Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Wise advice
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.