That was easy.
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“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans