I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.