Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
You Might Also Like
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you