I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
You Might Also Like
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.