Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?