One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later