Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
c’mon!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut