Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact