*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
cry laughing at this shit
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.