How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER