Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.