Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Noted.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*puts words between two asterisks*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
much to think about
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm