teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
put ‘er there pardner!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.