Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
From my Mom
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.