You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
There is no “we” in pizza
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
subtitles are so good nowadays
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes